I only have one thing to do if I were God for not even a day but a few seconds...start over!  

  ...therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life...keep peace with your soul... 

I see your name on the chart rack  and I feel the familiar feeling of combined disappointment and frustration.  What is this...visit number 8 for the month?  What could possibly be the problem this time?  We've covered everything from the belly aching to the much abused chest pain and difficulty breathing.    Ahh,  abscess from a spider bite.  Kudos to you!!  We haven't used that this month and it's legit to an extent.  For a skin popper like you,  it's an injustice to keep blaming the spiders.  Buy an insecticide for crying out loud or move!!  But your network of loser meth-using  friends convinced you that it's a good excuse to use in the ER.  So we'll play along, like the good county ER that we are.  

I remember when your mother brought you in for the first time seven years ago.  It was 3 am friday morning, you were a beautiful and scared fourteen year old.  You came to my triage window and in between sobs, you said," I took crystal meth with my friends and now my heart is racing and I can't breath !!"   "Duuuhhh...you think??," was my unspoken answer but  instead, I gathered the most sympathetic and comforting attitude I can muster and reassured you.  " Buy a bag of doritos, sprite and tweek at home" was a phrase reserved for your loser friends and what you have become but not then, not seven years ago.  You were full of potential, you promised me and your Mom that you won't do it again and we believed you.  Your mother showered you with kisses and forgave you.   I believed you, damn it!!

Now you're here again, gone is the beautiful face I initially saw...instead I see a face ravaged not by the unfairness of life but by poor choices and crystal meth...and you're only 21.  You tried to fix your hair, unable to see me eye to eye when I asked about your mother, but your scraggly hair is the least of your problems.  I donned my protective gear, treating you like the disgusting creature that you've become.  I looked at the abscess on your left hand...didn't your meth friends tell you not to use your hands and feet to get high?  Of course not!!   Your external jugular vein is the only accessible line I can get.  You've used up all your veins from injecting.   You cried out in pain when I accessed it but I didn't hear you.  You've used up all the sympathy I have for you, as well but I'll give you something for pain...I'm obligated to.  I have to give you a high dose of antibiotic to combat that infection from the "spider bite," clean your wound  and try not to barf while I do it.  For the hundredth time, I listen to your plans of going clean and the other bullshit that other nurses who don't know you buy.   I bought the same crap from you years ago.   Your mother bought that same crap from you years ago.    

After we "band-aid " you up, we're gonna send you home...to live another day?  I don't know!  If the meth doesn't get you...the "spider bite" will.                  


http://www.facesofmeth.us/main.htm

 "Chainsaw in the Daisyfield !"  Best compliment I've gotten from a person I truly respect this week.  I earned that title by just being me.   Nowadays people seem to hide inside a "feel good bubble" and delude themselves to avoid the harshness of reality.   This is acceptable for a short period of time but in my opinion harmful in the long run.  Sooner or later we have to face the facts head on and deal with them.  More often than not, this is where I come in.  I have the knack of bursting protective bubbles leaving individuals face to face with their fears.  Some do well and most scramble to build another bubble.
For some sick reason, I enjoy being a chainsaw.  Having grown up facing my fears with no comforting bubble to protect me, it is my passionate opinion that if I can do it, everyone should be able to as well.  Of course I don't seem to consider the fact that people are different, some stronger than others.  I do believe that "protective bubbles" should be temporary and only provided to those who truly are deserving of them.  More often than not, people use them out of sheer laziness.    We should live our lives according to how they've been dealt to us and work on how we want them to be.             
So hello world, my name is Chainsaw.  

My first entry ...yeaahh!!  

What a great day to be alive.  It's seventy degrees, not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze blowing through my patio door, the birds chirping...my taste of heaven.  What did we ever do to deserve this in Southern California.   No wonder people come out here and stay.  I feel almost guilty.  What with tornadoes ravishing the east coast...but nah, I pay dearly for this weather so I'm gonna enjoy it.   Nevertheless, thank you God for today!!!